changes & realizations

this was written a week ago. i wanted to post it then but for some reason, could not get around to it. siguro kasi hindi pa talaga right time last week. but now, now is the perfect time. i am more at peace, more confident of the things i've written, more sure that bernard and i can withstand anything and everything. :)

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bernard and i had our longest fight last week. we're okay now. we're back to normal... better than normal even since we just had withstood the worst fight we've had. our belief in "us" is much stronger than ever and we appreciate each other more. although i've shed more tears in two days than i had in the past three years, what happened made me realize so many things that, looking back, i'm glad the whole thing happened.

last week was hell. it was the first in a very, very long time that i cried. it was also the first time in our relationship that i could not anymore handle our problems that i resorted to most women's tried-and-tested way to forget a problem, something which i have not done before... i dropped everything, went to see a movie, and then, i went shopping!!! :)

although it was a rule between the two of us not to resort to breaking up or even just cooling off when we have problems, i was so hurt and angry and i felt so abandoned (noticed my imood last week?), i asked bernard for space. it was when he gave me the space that i asked for when i realized how he, too, was hurting.

i asked my mom if it was okay with her if i cancelled the wedding. of course, my ever-supportive showbiz mother said yes, it was not a problem with her and my dad if i ever decide not to push through with the wedding. she said that what is important is my happiness and that i should know that i have options. i was so touched by all she said that i wanted to cry all over again. and then she ruined the moment by saying, "si kris aquino nga eh, sabi 'kami na po ni mark.... ay hindi na po kami ni mark... ay kami na po uli ni mark... ay ikakasal na po kami ni mark... ay hindi na po uli kami ni mark'" trust my mom to make me laugh in the middle of a crisis.

bernard's life and mine are so much intertwined, however, that the space i so proudly asked for amid tears, came to a halt after a mere 18 hours. the reason? i needed to have my cellphone fixed and since the line i am using is under his name, i needed to get the warranty certificate from him. so of course, i had to call him!

that call was probably the most embarrassing call i've ever made. not because i had to overcome my pride and call him but because hearing his voice made me cry right in the middle of nokia care.

the cellphone incident really made me think about how much our lives are so much intertwined that letting something as petty as the fight we had (it was petty, believe me!) get in the way of our love is simply stupid.

so i decided to swallow my pride and when he called me to ask me if we could see each other, i agreed. and when we saw each other, he just asked me kamusta na raw ako then he pulled me in his arms and hugged me so tight. we just stayed that way for a while, hugging each other, remembering how much we love each other. then we talked; we talked of what happened and the changes we should make to avoid committing the same mistakes.

the whole incident also made me ponder long and hard about what i really want in my life, where i am now, and where i am going. because of what happened, i was able to decide regarding some things that have been bothering me for a while and more importantly, to act on my decisions.

bernard and i have also realized the value of taking time out to rest and the value of always remembering why you are doing all the things you are doing in the first place -- you're doing it for each other.

and the fight that we had? it was really so petty na nakakahiya nang ikwento pa but it blew out of proportion because we were both so tired and so stressed form everything that we were doing.

queen (a fellow w@wie) was right, there is really a reason why two people are together. the important things is to always remember that reason.

when all has been said and done, bernard hugged me so tight and told me that he missed me. he held my face in his hands and told me, "you will be my wife". thinking that he was asking me again to marry him, i said yes. he replied, "i am not asking you, i am telling you. you will be my wife." life really is a bliss and god really is good.